"And suppose that you lived in that forest in France, where the average young person just hasn't a chance to escape from the perilous pants-eating plants! But your pants are safe! You're a fortunate guy. And you ought to be shouting, 'How lucky am I?'"
Alas, that's not what I was shouting over the course of the last week. But since I write from the other side of my epiphany, I will relay the story as if I had, italicizing the reconsidered parts. (Watch out, it's long.)