Tonight is our last night living in Baltimore, at least for now.  For the next two nights, we'll have sleepovers at my parents' house that the girls are really looking forward to.  But tonight is our last night as residents.

Johnny, Jeff and Nate, the movers, arrived at 8:30 on the nose this morning.  We had spent the last couple weeks organizing everything. Every puzzle had a baggie affixed to it containing every piece.  My friend Connie came over for the sole purpose of helping me organize the pantry.  It was serious. 

 Our goals were twofold: 1. To be as organized as possible, to minimize the pain of unpacking, and 2. To be the movers' favorite. I can't really articulate the why behind number 2, except that I wanted to them to feel we had looked out for them.  And also, I am very competitive. So when Johnny, the foreman, told Daniel we were his easiest customers yet, I was stoked.  We won!

The organizing was the easy part, though.  The good-byes have been much harder.  Over the last few weeks, we have been ticking off items on our Baltimore Bucket List-- places to visit, people to see. Daniel took Mirabella on a date to an Orioles game (we are going to miss being so close to a major league team!  And right when our O's are doing so well!), we had a small group over for a cookout, I had lunch with a couple friends, dinner with another group, a night out with my sister-in-law during Sailabration, a final downtown date with Daniel, and a last Baltimore visit from my Connecticut in-laws (which featured a rainy O's game for the over-two crowd, and a trip to the Rawlings Conservatory and the Nature Center for our very excited little girls and their sweet grandparents). The girls and I went to our last small group, and Sunday was our last at our church. 

Saturday my parents threw a family party for us and rented an 18-foot waterslide.  I can't decide who had more fun, Daniel or Mirabella!  I had to force Mirabella to change out of her bathing suit because her lips were blue and we had to force Daniel to stop sliding because the guys from the rental company had come to dissassemble and collect it.  All of these events, in and of themselves, have been wonderful.  We have loved spending time with our family and friends and are so grateful for them.  But, inevitably, the events all end.  And it's awkward.  And sad.  And heavy.  And I'm starting to get a little tired of those feelings.

Tonight, after a busy day of directing other people in the packing, lifting and loading of our belongings (for Daniel) and of running the children to our dear friends' house so they could have a fun day instead of being underfoot, spending too much money at Target, and buying a bunch of food for our wonderful movers (for me), we had to go out for dinner.  Nearly our entire kitchen had been packed, along with most of the rest of our house.  I wanted us to go out in our old neighborhood once more.  Daniel was too tired and the girls were hitting their limit.  We stayed local and decided to try to use up our fruit and empty our freezer by making chocolate banana peanut butter milkshakes at home (they hadn't packed our blender yet!). 

We sat on the porch while the girls oohed and ahhed over fireflies and asked if we would have them at our new house in Tennessee.  Daniel taught them how to catch the bugs and they ran around in the yard, barefoot, chasing them.  I sat on the porch and took bad iPhone photos and sighed.  We came inside, where the girls marveled over their empty room and being allowed to jump on their beds, which are, for tonight, just mattresses on the floor.  It was a good last night.

Lately I am overwhelmed with conflicting emotions.  I am excited for a fresh start, humbled and grateful for the opportunity to be home with my babies while-- maybe-- working at something I actually love, anxious about so much that is unknown, and profoundly sad to be leaving my home and some of my most-loved ones.  I am all of those things at once, and I am not looking forward to parts of the next couple days. I am preparing myself for tears. But tonight, watching our little girls' wonder while they played, I was at peace. 

It's dangerous to judge a job by its first few days. There have been not a few jobs I have started in tears that turned out all right in the end (ahem, my last one included). So, maybe it's too soon to tell.  

Monday was my last day at work.  It was surreal.  Of course, I didn't have time to get done everything I would have liked to, didn't leave things (documentation, my desk, all the program knowledge I have in my head) in the shape I would have liked to.  There just was never going to be enough time, so there certainly wasn't time or space for emotional good-byes, though I was emotional about it.  Typically, when leaving a job, the good-byes feel less permanent, even if they're not.  There is usually at least a possibility we will meet again.  But this time, since I'm not just leaving a company but leaving an industry and geographic location, it's possible I will not see many of my co-workers again.  The finality of this last day struck me, but I didn't really have the time or space to process or confront it. Instead I did the best I could, was grateful for my send-offs and good co-workers, and promised to keep in touch (on Facebook, or via email, or with pictures of the girls, or with one final last happy hour).

When I got home to Daniel and the girls, I was spent.  They, with the help of Danielle, had decorated the house with a homemade heart banner.  They shrieked and jumped up and down when I walked in the door.  It was all very comforting, but my eyes stayed dry until I saw Mirabella's easel.  It brought rushing back the tears, the conflicted feelings, the days of explaining why mommy had to go to work, the countdown the kids have had for the last month-- all of it.  And though this is a huge transition, I am so excited about it. 

"Mirabella," I said, "when we get to Tennessee, do you think I should look for a new job?"  

"No, I think taking care of us should be your job," she said.  

"But who will pay me?" I asked.  

"We'll have to talk to Daddy about that," she said.  

Daniel made us dinner and had a bottle of champagne chilling for after the kids went to bed.

I awoke Tuesday, my first day "at my new job," excited.  On my first day, we took a walk after breakfast, I took Mirabella to the dentist without moving heaven and earth, we did a craft, and I was able to say yes when a friend asked if she could come over in twenty minutes.  I did not: do any laundry, clean anything but the kitchen, or do any real cooking.  

The next day we spent the afternoon at the zoo, where I promised myself I would not rush my children.  We have never managed to go there without being pressed for time, so even though it meant no naps (and a couple meltdowns from the two-year-old), we saw every animal in the zoo.  The girls were ecstatic, and when we got home we were all exhausted.   Thursday we met friends at a park for a picnic, and it was about this time it occurred to me that we might want to learn how to put the "stay at home" in stay-at-home mom.  The house was a mess!

Friday we ran our typical errands and I was forced to confront the truth that we are going to be moving in about three weeks.  So I acknowledged it internally, then set about making homemade crayons.  That's what I said.

So now, at the conclusion of my first week on the job, some initial lessons learned from my first few days of stay-at-home motherhood:
1. There are still not enough hours in the day.  No matter whether I work at home, for home or from home, I still can't do it all.
2. I sometimes feel I am constantly bent at the waist, picking up toys, pillows, what have you, and at the end of the day the house still isn't clean. 
3. I haven't properly done my hair at all in the last week.
4. Practicing yoga with children is funny, but not necessarily effective.
5. It's much harder to stay on top of an email inbox when you're never in front of a desk.  

I know this first week wasn't the way it will always be.  The excitement-- theirs and mine-- may fade.  The list of things we have to do will impose on the want-to's.  My motivation to be super mom will come and go.  But I do think it's worth noting that the first few days on the job were, for the most part, awesome.