Smarter Ardor
  • Blog
  • Smarter Living
  • Homemade Fun
  • About

Choosing to Change

5/9/2012

6 Comments

 
Picture
First, an apology: To anyone who read the last post and got scared that something big was wrong, I am sorry!  A beloved and frightened friend just accused me of being a drama queen for writing it, which is probably about right.  I just couldn't write the whole thing until it was in the past (if only the very recent past).  I will soon return to my more level-headed self.  Soon.

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.  I always knew I wanted to be a wife and a mother, but I never really considered the parameters.  I just didn’t give it any thought and figured I’d know when the time came.

When the time did come, it became evident to me that a little foresight would have gone a long way.  But I was conflicted, and I wrestled with it loudly and often.  I worried over my identity. I lamented my lack of balance. I feared my life would never change.  Then I was concerned that if it did, I’d regret it.

I felt I was never fully anywhere.  I couldn’t honestly say I only worked because I had to because there have always been aspects I really enjoyed: I have always liked making money, contributing to a team, being an expert at something, interacting in a professional setting, and getting up and putting on big girl clothes and heels.  I still do.

But whereas I thought getting up and leaving my babies for 10 or more hours per day would get easier as they grew, it has not.  It has gotten progressively harder.  For the last couple years, we have been working toward the time when we might have options.  I wasn’t sure what I would choose, just that I wanted to have a choice.

A few months ago I started a consulting firm that I can grow at my own pace.  We have been looking forward to a series of dates that have scaled back my work and that, eventually, would end my day job.  It never seemed to come soon enough.

And then, Daniel got an offer-- a ridiculous and generous offer.  We planned to take it, until it seemed there may be another one.  It's not yet resolved, but we are moving.  We don’t know where, though it is most certainly somewhere south of here. We hope to have an answer in the next couple days.

Despite this uncertainty, I quit my job today.  I have been a nervous wreck, because it’s not like I just quit a job to start another one.  I quit my job to stay home with my children.  To devote more time to being the mother I want to be.

And before I say any more, please really hear what I’m saying: I don’t think there is one right answer for everyone.  I wholeheartedly don’t.  There is no judgment in this decision, no feeling that everyone should someday come to this place.  What there is: 100% certainty that this is the right decision for me and my family. 

Today I felt nervous about letting people down. In a month, when I actually leave, I will be sad to say good-bye to a team I’ve known for five years, to a company that has been wonderful to me.  I know there will come a day in the not-so-distant future when I long to get up and put on a cute dress and sit at a desk all day where all I’m expected to do is work and I can go to the bathroom (alone) whenever I please, and then they’ll pay me. I am undoubtedly going to miss the grownups.  But I made a huge step today, I have thoroughly counted the cost, and I have no regrets.

One morning last week as I prepared to leave for work, Mirabella said, “I don’t want to you to go to work.”

“I know,” I said.  “What if, pretty soon, I didn’t have to?  What if I could stay home?”

Mirabella cocked her head to the side, “For how many days?  Fifty-five?”

“Every day,” I replied.

“MORE than fifty-five days?  I think that would be GREAT.  When can we do that, Mom?”

It had never even occurred to her that it could be different than it’s always been.  And I found great comfort in that.  I have always consoled myself that my children know only me, that they do not compare me to other moms or wish things were different.  They simply need my best.  For the last four years, I can confidently say I have given that to them.  And now I am excited, nervous and hopeful as I look toward a very different-looking future.

But I'll say to you what I said to Daniel: In this brave new world, if you see me start to wear yoga pants every day, it's time for an intervention. I mean it.

6 Comments
Kristen Bernard
5/9/2012 03:37:23 pm

SO proud of you!!! Congratulations! :)

Reply
Christina link
5/9/2012 03:44:10 pm

Thanks, Kristen! It's a good scary :)

Reply
David Parker
5/9/2012 10:33:44 pm

I apologize for using the phrase "drama queen." "Drama Duchess" alliterates better. :) And now that I know the situation (which is wonderful) the post made perfect sense. In my neurotic head, the averted eye contact, gnawing at the heart, and sleeplessness just sounded more ominous. So glad it's this!

Reply
Joy Marinelli
5/10/2012 01:38:32 am

I'd actually really enjoy wearing yoga pants every day. Congrats on your new life phase!

Reply
how to wear chinos link
7/9/2012 01:12:29 am

Congratulations:)

Reply
Christina link
7/11/2012 03:08:31 am

Thank you :)

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    RSS Feed

    Picture

    About Me

    Christina | Virginia Beach
    Psuedo Yankee, city-loving former working mom of four finds herself home with the kids and transplanted to the somewhat Southern suburbs. Finding her feet while still attempting to harness the power of the passion of her youth for useful good.

    Picture

    RSS Feed

    Archives

    March 2020
    February 2020
    March 2019
    January 2019
    August 2018
    April 2018
    November 2017
    July 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    February 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011

    Categories

    All
    Anklebiter Anecdotes
    Bendetto
    Careful Feeding
    Charm City
    Complicated Joys
    Family Affairs
    Family Conference
    Festival Of Estrogen
    Grace For Moms
    Help Yourself
    Inanity & Insanity
    Looking Up
    Making It Home
    Mothering Missteps
    Moving Onward
    Music City
    Part Time Lover
    Part-time Lover
    Part-time Lover
    Soapbox
    Stumblings
    Su Casa
    The Village
    This City Life
    Wanderings
    Wifedom
    Worklife

    Links

    Grace for Moms

    MOPS International's Blog

    Amber Hudler

    Smarter Ardor.
    Copyright © 2011-2018.
    All Rights Reserved.
Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
Photos used under Creative Commons from lungstruck, Orin Zebest, yaquina, warrenski, Jing a Ling, The Shopping Sherpa, Sir, Rony, orangeacid, adrianvfloyd, SierraTierra, benjaflynn, Homeandgardners, eye's eye, katerha, LivingOS, wolfB1958, andyarthur, Jeremiah Ro, alextorrenegra, ShironekoEuro, mabahamo, iMorpheus, openuser, kamshots, nickHiebert, VinothChandar, Yashna M, mike138, Dougtone, cogdogblog, x1klima