Smarter Ardor
  • Blog
  • Smarter Living
  • Homemade Fun
  • About

Compared to What?

1/16/2012

6 Comments

 
Picture
The Dream Big Chairs at High Point University
Late last year I met a new friend.  She is a model.  Not like "pretty enough to be a model," an actual model.  She is stunning, but that's not all she is.  I am finding that she is also a kind and generous and thoughtful woman of faith, it's just not the first thing you see. 

So why am I telling you all this?  To tell you that since meeting her, I've realized I have a problem.   Though my confidence is certainly not what it used to be, I manage to make it through most days without giving my appearance too much thought. And on many days, I have learned to be content with what we have and where we are.  We are actively paying down the debt we stupidly acquired and living on a budget.  Though there are splurges, day-to-day, we live like people who make a lot less than we do, out of necessity.  We are not extreme couponers, and some of the super frugal bloggers I've seen would scoff at our budget.  But we are driven to correct these mistakes now while living a life that has some comforts so we are motivated to stay on track and move closer to the life we want to be living.  Mostly I am proud of how far we've come, and I can focus on our goals instead of the challenges. 

But hanging with a gorgeous and wealthy new friend (who happens to be younger than I am) has challenged me.  I am not proud of it.  I am not writing this so friends will say, "Don't be silly, you are (fill in the blank)."  I am writing it because it makes me angry.  I am embarrassed that my self worth apparently hinges on so little, and at the larger issues this friendship has forced me to address.  

Over the last year or so, as I've often written here, Daniel and I have tried to be much more purposeful about a lot of things.   We now try to be more thoughtful about what we bring home in the first place, what we hold on to, and what we give away.   I continue to take steps toward a healthier, natural lifestyle for our family.  We have made strides, including joining a CSA, having our milk delivered from a local farm, going organic in certain items, moving away from white grains and cooking from scratch as much as possible, but sometimes I feel like we still have so far to go. 

I read blogs and books from women who seem superhuman.  They eat an all "real food" diet, calmly parent brilliant little kids, whom they homeschool, they are active in church and other ministries, and run successful businesses (from home), all while wearing cute, dangly earrings and keeping their homes clean and clutter free. I know this is isn't really true, at least I think it isn't.  But it seems that way.  And I'm sure that, for most of them, their intent is not to make anyone feel bad.  On the contrary, they are probably trying to teach, to inspire, to share.  I know we're all more excited to share our successes than our failures. I know we all focus on certain things at the exclusion of others. But, maaaan. 

Sometimes I need to take a break from reading that stuff because I fall into comparing. If you are one of those women, and you are my Facebook friend, don't get your feelings hurt if I occasionally block your status updates.  I don't bake my own bread and sometimes my kids eat macaroni and cheese out of a box.  Sometimes our eggs aren't cage free because our budget took a hit this week and I needed to shop at Aldi and they do not concern themselves with such things, and I just couldn't bear the thought of making one. more. stop.  Most of the time, I just don't measure up.  

Picture
The Rotary Fountain in Charleston, SC
An acquaintance whose daughter is Mirabella's age asked me where she's going to school next year.  Their daughter is already in her second year of preschool and will start kindergarten a year early, in the fall. Our daughter is four and I don't know what we're going to do about preschool, let alone kindergarten.  We have thus far followed the "better late than early" mindset and tried to give her learning opportunities at home and social opportunities elsewhere. Forget that she can write her name and recognize and write her letters and knows their sounds and is overall rather sophisticated for her age, when someone asks, as they often do, where she goes to school, I don't have an answer and haven't been researching much or going on tours either.  We no longer own our own home, and I don't know when we will.  I don't know where we are going to settle down or, maybe more importantly, when.  So comparing myself to others who have all this figured out makes me feel small, less than, not as good.  And I think there is something inherent in becoming a mother that gives us the tendency to feel that way anyway.  

But then I get around other people.  Maybe they are more mainstream than me or just more permissive parents than we are, but in any event we are not the same. They might be people whose kids base their Christmas lists off TV commercials, people whose idea of cooking is assembling prepared foods, or whose idea of news is a steady diet of FoxNews.  I get around them and I feel better.  "My kids don't watch commercials," I said in a conversation with a co-worker recently, which is true.  We "killed" our TV in July, and while we do get a few channels, our girls' TV diet is limited to a few episodes on Netflix here and there.  There's not really a way to say, "we don't eat that" or "we don't watch that" or "the kids aren't allowed to see that" that doesn't make me sound "other" and, possibly, like I feel like I'm better than.  And, while I'm being honest, sometimes, for just a second, comparing does make me feel better than.  And that's ugly.  

At a training session for our church's Christmas outreach event, we talked about how to build relationships with the people we would be ministering to, people who were, in many cases "other" from us. Handouts are one thing, but relationships are harder.  Our pastor warned us to avoid comparison, calling it the "killer of compassion."  I felt a twinge.

When I compare, I am susceptible to pity (on myself or the other person), self-righteousness, and envy.  All of which cause me to focus on ME.  My discomfort with my new friend, or the supermoms I admire, or the less fortunate I meet has nothing to do with them.  It's all about me feeling insecure in my skin, in my role, in my position.  My new friend doesn't know it, but meeting her has forced me to face something I didn't even realize was plaguing me. If I compare myself to you, then I can't love you; if I can't love you, then I've failed.

6 Comments
Allyson
1/16/2012 03:00:23 pm

Perfectly said.

Reply
Christinahh link
1/17/2012 01:23:41 pm

Thanks, Allyson!

Reply
Meredith
1/16/2012 09:51:51 pm

Wonderful, honest self-reflection! One of my therapist mentors once said, "Comparing yourself to others just keeps you stuck where you are." While it certainly pertains to the participants in therapy groups, the facilitator is no different. Knowing that our adult life is evidence of choices, behaviors, and attitudes (with a little luck thrown in) that are ours alone can help folks feel empowered to get the things out of the way that keep us from living the life we want. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us... And reminding us that self-reflection is about the process, not perfection

Reply
Christinahh link
1/17/2012 01:23:10 pm

Wow, so well said! I am going to borrow that line "comparing yourself to others just keeps you stuck where you are." So good!

Reply
Connie
1/17/2012 01:29:32 am

:) I love your honesty. Truth be told, I have probably compared myself, at times, to you...and felt deeply inadequate. Our comparisons are so painful, aren't they? It's a sneaky little thing that can bring up horrible feelings about ourselves and others, and t's also completely natural. Who doesn't wish they were more beautiful or wealthier? I think we all do, so you aren't alone.

What I am realizing on this life journey is that God tends to give us just enough. Just enough of what we can handle, both good and bad. When I see you, I see a stunning, put together, loving, funny, and compassionate woman—someone I truly am blessed to call a dear friend, in such a short amount of time. When I think of who you are and what you have or the talents that you've been given, I am excited to celebrate those with you. But what makes me truly understand you and feel connected is your honest feelings when things aren't so great. It's what makes you real. It's what makes you genuine. It's what makes you human. I am grateful that you "get" me. I'll take the imperfect, genuine you over the perfect you any morning (not that I don't enjoy some of those perfect moments. :) ).
I love you sweet friend. Thank you for your transparency. You are always an encouragement.

Reply
Christinahh link
1/17/2012 01:26:49 pm

Connie, if you ever restart your blog, I would totally read it! Thanks for the lovely and kind words. I am so grateful to have met you and to call you friend!

I once had a pastor talk about "turning your mess into your ministry." I am encouraged that at least occasionally this does seem to be happening; it's not just me whining about my life (at leat not always).

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    RSS Feed

    Picture

    About Me

    Christina | Virginia Beach
    Psuedo Yankee, city-loving former working mom of four finds herself home with the kids and transplanted to the somewhat Southern suburbs. Finding her feet while still attempting to harness the power of the passion of her youth for useful good.

    Picture

    RSS Feed

    Archives

    March 2020
    February 2020
    March 2019
    January 2019
    August 2018
    April 2018
    November 2017
    July 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    February 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011

    Categories

    All
    Anklebiter Anecdotes
    Bendetto
    Careful Feeding
    Charm City
    Complicated Joys
    Family Affairs
    Family Conference
    Festival Of Estrogen
    Grace For Moms
    Help Yourself
    Inanity & Insanity
    Looking Up
    Making It Home
    Mothering Missteps
    Moving Onward
    Music City
    Part Time Lover
    Part-time Lover
    Part-time Lover
    Soapbox
    Stumblings
    Su Casa
    The Village
    This City Life
    Wanderings
    Wifedom
    Worklife

    Links

    Grace for Moms

    MOPS International's Blog

    Amber Hudler

    Smarter Ardor.
    Copyright © 2011-2018.
    All Rights Reserved.
Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
Photos used under Creative Commons from lungstruck, Orin Zebest, yaquina, warrenski, Jing a Ling, The Shopping Sherpa, Sir, Rony, orangeacid, adrianvfloyd, SierraTierra, benjaflynn, Homeandgardners, eye's eye, katerha, LivingOS, wolfB1958, andyarthur, Jeremiah Ro, alextorrenegra, ShironekoEuro, mabahamo, iMorpheus, openuser, kamshots, nickHiebert, VinothChandar, Yashna M, mike138, Dougtone, cogdogblog, x1klima