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In the In Between

7/30/2016

4 Comments

 
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​I stood on the train in Paris, clutching the metal bar as we slowed to a stop. “Mind the gap between the train and the platform,” the recording said, and when we were safely above ground, something about those words struck me enough to make me jot them down.
 
Yesterday, while looking for something else, I found them again. Mind the gap.
 
Our family lives in a gap this summer. Our house is torn apart, in the midst of a major renovation. It’s eustress, like I learned about in my Intro to Psychology class in college—a positive stressor—but a stressor nonetheless. We are reunited after a month apart and thankful every night to sleep in our own beds, but the rest of our main level is a construction site—filthy, unfinished, unsafe. In our un-air-conditioned sunroom, where it has been in the 90s all week, I cook our meals in a microwave, toaster oven and on a hot plate. We are hot. The kids are getting on each other’s nerves. I am never alone and running out of diversions, even as loads of work that I cannot do beckons from inside the house, since I can’t safely contain Deacon. I find myself wishing the gap between under construction and completion away, but of course that would mean wishing three weeks of my children’s summer away, and it will be over soon enough on its own.

Uncomfortably, I'm wading through some personal uncertainty as well, in a gap of not knowing. Not knowing isn’t my strength.

I find my sense of self in a gap too, this whole year. Of what I once did and what I do now, who I used to be and who I will someday be. So whoever I am now, in this season, shifts uncomfortably in the gap. I am unmoored; I can’t find my voice, can’t find my passion, can’t find my discipline. And if I’m not careful, I might wish away these questions, this uncertainty, this discomfort, yes, but along with it I would miss the peculiar beauty of these days. The preciousness of the faith inherent in not knowing. The gratitude that living in the moment necessitates. The simple pleasures of just being here, right now, of being aware that nothing else has been promised to us anyway.

I’m shifting my focus this week to minding the gap between: the way it is and the way it may someday be, what I am and what I want to become, what I do today and what I may accomplish someday. And maybe there are changes to make or work that should be done; maybe there is motivation I lack or hustle I haven’t found, but I rest in the knowledge that there can be time for all of that. It’s not always time for looking ahead or behind, sometimes it’s enough to just acknowledge and be present in the in between.

4 Comments
Elizabeth
8/1/2016 06:11:25 pm

I think the gap is just another transition phase in our lives. I had a similar chapter when I graduated college. Aimless, unsure, and begging God for some direction. In that time, I studied for the GRE and helped take care of my ailing grandparents. I learned a lot in that gap. I am DEFINITELY learning a lot from this one, too. We should "mind the gap" and allow ourselves to be a little less ambitious and forward-thinking for a bit. We've earned that, don't you think? A moment's pause to plan our next step with caution?

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Christina link
8/3/2016 05:39:37 pm

Do I think we've earned it? I guess so. Am I totally at ease taking it? Not so much. For me, this is just another time to practice being fully present, which seems to be the challenge of my life. Some times are harder than others, but simply being present without having to figure out the next move is particularly difficult for me.

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Jennifer Ziemer link
8/1/2016 10:29:33 pm

Elizabeth nailed it. I'm in a gap myself but the Lord was very clear about this gap and I am trying to be obedient. So, I am hoping to be still for it, and rest in it. I'm ready for this gap to grow and shape me as the others have. Thank you for sharing your beautiful writing with us Christina.

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Christina link
8/3/2016 05:41:17 pm

Hi, Jennifer! Hooray for clarity in the gap! May you cling to that even as you wish it would just do its job already. I am right there with you, without the clarity, perhaps, but working on waiting with peace and grace. Thanks for reading :)

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    Christina | Virginia Beach
    Psuedo Yankee, city-loving former working mom of four finds herself home with the kids and transplanted to the somewhat Southern suburbs. Finding her feet while still attempting to harness the power of the passion of her youth for useful good.

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